I would like to say we are so very much back to what we were. I would. But we are not. I am not. I wake up and go to bed every day knowing I'm hiding behind a closed door something I can not hide from forever. We have talked a lot, and I keep telling myself everytime I fell like blurting out something unappropriate, something that would make you fell traped, that I can't do so, that it's not the moment. That I have to wait, and wait and wait. Wait for you to stop loving someone else. Waiting for you to get back on your feet after that happens. Waiting for you to realize just how much I mean to you. Or how much I would like to mean. So here's to the seven things I won't blurt out in a nearby future. Or ever.
1) I don't understand.
I fell you, but I don't understand how you cling on something when you should waste your energies getting away from it.
2) I don't believe.
I don't believe her. I don't believe she will ever return the love you feel for her. I don't believe she is innocent in the position her mother choose to stand in towards you. I don't believe she fully understands the extent of your fellings for her. And I don't believe, if it comes to it, that she will be at her very best not to hurt if you try to make things right for the pair of you and they don't work out as you want them too.
3) I didn't lowered my expectations.
I know I said I did. And for a while it felt like I did. For you it probably still does. But you are my person, I'm not going to lower my expectations towards you since you living up to them was what made you my person. So I just resume myself to get silently hurt when you don't.
4) I let you be.
When I understand, through your silence, that something is going on I let you be. It is very hard on me because I want to be there for you, and I want you to talk about it so that I will share your burden and make it lighter. But I don't. I just let you be because it's what you think it's best for you. And despite me not agreeing, I trust you enough not to mess with that. I respect you enough to do that. To not question your way of dealing with things that do not come with a manual.
5) I see you. Yo te siento.
When we met we were only kids. We bonded, we watched over each other and saw the other one grow. So I know you. More that you want to admit, more that you would like me to, or so it seems; more than I wanted too sometimes. And yet I'm still standing by your side. That must mean I see you as an hell of a human being. And I must be right because everything I say to you, someone else ends up repeating. It saddens me beyond reason that for you, someone else was always the one giving you a particular complement for the first time.
6) I love you.
I do love you. More than anything, more than anyone. I love and respect everything you are, even the parts I dislike or that I disagree with. And I'm also in love with you.
I spent the majority of highschool trying to figure out why the hell wouldn't I fall for you, and I was actually naive enough to try to do it. And when we screwed up, when we messed up everything, and when everything that shouldn't have been, was; and I was mad, and hurt and confused, when I decided I wasn't so sure you were the kind of person I would want to fall for, it hit me. And by hitting me it got stuck behind a door I like to pretend it's not there, everytime I'm awake and in the moments before I fall assleep. And that's how it is gonna be for a while. Pretending.
When people ask me about it, or push me towards some sort of admission I roll my eyes, I shift subjects (or I try); until the moment someone tells me "Oh grrr, why do you even try to fake it, it's all over your face everytime you talk about him!" Someone told me this very recently. And it was scary to have someone looking straight into my eyes and telling me that. I don't mean for it to be obvious. Because you are not ready. Or because I'm not ready. I'm not ready for a complete and utter refusal comming from you.
Sad isn't it? You almost make me feel bad for loving you. Guess how much of an horrible person that makes you, ein teddy bear? But I don't, I won't. I refuse to feel bad about it. It's beautiful, and you may not want it now, or ever, but I'm learning to live with it. I'm not going to try and ssh it because you don't want it. I'm keeping it until I fall out of love with you or until I die, whatever happens first (drama queen I know). The time may come where you will have to live with this piece of info just as I do, and decide on your everyday actions towards me just as I do now with you. Oh, I bet it will be an hell of a ride if we get to it.
7) Last but not least; It was indeed your hug that took the joy out of every other... And I didn't meant it in a non romantic(ish) way.
I wish I would tell you all this.
I wish you would know. I wish I could bring myself to tell you. Just blurt it out in the middle of a conversation and wait for you to process it. Up until now I haven't. Every now and then I have to make a decision of not being a Sara. And I've been successful so far. And when I'm not? Well... time will tell teddy bear. Time will tell.
